As we continue with our “Theology of Sex” series, we turn our attention to parenting, and what it means to disciple our children in the area of sexuality. This weekend Matt Williams reminded us that while parents have a responsibility of sowing into their children, there comes a time when children will make their own choices. The teenage years are a season for parents to reap what they’ve sown. Childhood is a time for training and discipleship, and parents have to own the responsibility to manage this time well.
There are several ideas in Deuteronomy 6:1-9 that give us a foundation for our discussion. Firstly, we see the thought that there would be generational obedience in worship: “you and your children and grandchildren must fear the LORD your God as long as you live.” Secondly, we are shown that God alone is to be worshipped and that our love and worship is expressed in our obedience to him, two thoughts that cannot be separated. Lastly, we are charged to be wholeheartedly dedicated to God’s commands and to teach them to our children. This passage shows us that the truth our children need is not inside of them, but outside. Parents have a responsibility to teach and bring truth to their children. We are to teach our children to follow and honor God in all areas, including sexuality. This is not a singular event, but an ongoing process. Our homes should be characterized by proactive training, not reactive parenting.
With the biblical foundation set, Matt gives us 5 mistakes that parents often make.
1. Not establishing authority and developing responsibility while our children are young
The early life of a child has an impact on their life as a teenager. It is important for a child to master themselves when there is authority in their life, so that when there is no longer an apparent authority, the child is still well-equipped to make decisions. It is not wrong for parents to show their child prosperity and blessing. However, that should be tempered with authority and responsibility, otherwise it can lead to arrogant, entitled children. The time to establish authority and develop responsibility is today.
2. Not being the first to tell our children about sex
Especially within church culture, parents shirk the teaching of sexual responsibility onto the school or church. But this responsibility actually begins in the home with the parents. Parents do not need to wait until their children begin to ask questions. Children should not be the ones leading the conversation. Rather, when parents engage the conversation, they establish themselves as leaders in the home and as resources to their children. The fact is that children will not retain their innocence forever. If parents are not the ones guiding and directing their children through the transition, then who is?
3. Not making purity a discipleship process
While the conversation regarding the mechanics of sex may be a one-time conversation, the conversation about purity and temptation should be continuous and fluid. The conversations one has with a 13-year old will look different than the conversations one has with them when they are few years older. The point is that these conversations are happening on a regular basis, with both girls and boys, and that they are fluid enough to account for differences in life-stages.
Parents need to define the difference between “personal” and “private.” “Personal” conversations are certainly not public. But the idea that we have “private” lives (areas of our lives that no one sees or knows about) is not a biblical one. Parents should know the key and influential players in their child’s lives. Parents should also not base these conversations on their own past sexual experiences or shy away from them because they feel hypocritical. This attitude is actually selfish; it is better to keep God at the center as a reminder of the redeeming power gospel.
4. Not being involved in dating
As a parent does it mean for my own children to guard their heart? What does it mean for my child to develop mature attitudes about dating and marriage? What does dating look like in my home? How am I helping my child to manage and steward their own sexuality? How connected am I going to get into my child’s personal relationships? These questions illustrate the importance of teaching and equipping our children around dating. Although it's complicated, dating within the context of the family is a much better idea than going it alone. Parents have a duty to help their children navigate this unfamiliar territory.
5. Not exploiting the individual father/mother contribution enough
There are some things that sons need to hear from their fathers and that daughters need to hear from their mothers, and vice versa. It is healthy for sons to feel weight and responsibility from their fathers, and for their mothers to model values to desire in a future spouse. Daughters need acceptance, attention, and affirmation from their fathers, and the mother-daughter relationship can become a unique and safe place for daughters to express themselves.
If we go back to Deuteronomy 6:6, we are reminded that we will not have whole-hearted children if we are not whole-hearted parents. We cannot reproduce what we are not. Parenting is only a season. It may seem slow and incremental, but it is very short. Because it is short, parents need to take every opportunity to pursue their children. Relentless pursuit of our children may be tiring, but we do it because that is exactly how Christ pursues us. Though we may hurt Him, He continues to pursue us. With Christ as our model, we can move toward our children, bringing clarity, truth, and power when it comes to sexuality.
- Jonathan Torres
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